You ever just wake up and you feel blah, yea that is totally me today! I don't know why, I can not explain it. I just can not get anything done. I am an emotional mess! I want to cry, scream and then "smack" it hits me. I want to reach out and hold my child, I want to see her beautiful face, I want to give her a hug, I want to hear her say really Mom, I want to hear her laugh and tell me something with her exciting voice, the way only she could. But I can't, I will never ever hear her voice, or see her face or be able to touch her again.
It has been 3 years and 7 months which sometimes just feels like Eternity! I try, I try so hard to go on and pretend life is wonderful. The truth is, its not, Yes I have a great life, I have a wonderful husband, amazing son, the most adorable grandsons, lots of family and friends, a successful business, blog, support group, I meet some of the most amazing people and I get to travel and do things most don't. I am Grateful and Thankful for all of it. However my daughter is gone and will never be here to help me celebrate any of it. The truth is, I probably would not have done it if she was here.
You see in the midst of losing her, I also lost myself. Which actually we do when we have kids. We become a Mom and forgot sometimes who we are. Being a Mom is the best thing in the world (well until you have grand-kids, shhhh don't tell my kids I said that). Being a Mom is a job all of its own. So what do you do when you lose one? Do you stop being a Mom? I mean for real a piece of your heart is now missing, your soul will always be looking for that missing piece. So what now?
Well in my journey I have found that I needed to help others. Not necessarily for them but for me! I have found that in my trying to figure myself out and who am I now. That I absolutely love to meet new people, I love my business and support group. I love the ability it gives me to help those who maybe just need someone to listen. I help women who are shy or scared to reach out to anyone even a doctor because they maybe embarrassed or ashamed. I give women the confidence and ability to talk to me and tell me things they would not share normally.
I have found that I may not have been able to change my daughters life and things she was going through. Which is super hard for a Mom, we want to fix everything for our kids and take away all of there pain and hurt. Now, I can help someone else and I have my daughter to Thank for that! She may not be here in body form but she gives me the inspiration I need to continue to be a better me so I can help someone be a better them.
My daughters favorite Prayer.... The Serenity Prayer! Definitely words to live by....